I was so excited for this week. The social worker that was assigned to my case was done with vacation. At any time, I should be getting an e-mail arranging my visit with my biological grandma. It was going to be the best week ever.
Then I got to my afternoon class and the student that has been helping was the only one who showed up that day so we decided to call the social worker. She was going on lunch break and said she would call my student after 1pm. After my class, I went to use the computer during my break and got a call from my student. He told me that because of privacy issues, I would only be able to meet my grandma at the agency with my social worker and he was really sorry that he couldn't come with me. I said it was okay, as long as I could meet my grandma in any way, I was happy. Then a bit later, my student called again and asked to see me. I said I was at Hamaum Plaza so he met me there. And it was really sweet because he just wanted to make sure I was okay because his heart was hurting for me and felt so bad he couldn't help me much further than making phone calls. I told him he has already done so much and I was really thankful for all of his help.
My next class was cancelled so I decided I had time to send Hyunwoo my letter to my birthmom to translate, just in case my grandma would agree to deliver it to her. As I was typing, my student texted me again, asking to call when I'm done with class. I told him my class was cancelled so call anytime. He asked to meet me in our classroom.
And I got the worst feeling. Because something simple wouldn't require my student to take time out of his work time to tell me something. But still, maybe it was easier to explain the meeting time with my grandma in person. When I met my student, he asked if he could buy me something to drink (a soda FYI!!) and again, I had a bad feeling.
We sat down, my student asked how my day was, made some jokes, some small talk...and then he said he had bad news. I knew what he was going to say without him even saying it so I just focused "Caitlin, do not cry at work. Do not cry in front of your student. You've already had good fortune to hear your birthmom is a real person. You don't even have any need to cry." And I listened to his words with an empty heart. And I saw my happy visions of meeting my grandma, seeing my birthmother's pictures, hearing about her life and my siblings go out the window. And my memory of being 18 years old, reading the letter from the adoption travel agency with my mom about how Korean birthmothers can face serious social and marital issues when they have a baby out of wedlock and realizing how selfish it could be for me to search for her came flooding back.
In the week, my grandma changed her mind. She was afraid for her daughter's privacy and family. Because the only two people in my biological family who know I exist is just my birthmother and grandma. My birthmother has already gone through a divorce and there is no reason for her to risk another one because of meeting me. And my student said most of all, they may feel sorry to me because they could not raise me.
How did I feel? I was frustrated because there are so many privacy precautions the agency takes that meeting my grandma would really not be a problem. I was sad that I had raised my expectations so much that I anticipated reuniting with my grandma. My heart really hurt because all I really want is to see a picture of my birthmother and it's not even possible. And I felt really sorry to my mom, that she is not in a marriage where she cannot share something that she had no fault in with her husband. And I was so, so thankful that I am surrounded by family, friends and a boyfriend who I am able to share intimate things about my life and know they will never judge or condemn me for them. And lastly, I just felt empty. I didn't want to teach and pretend to be happy and funny and entertaining. I just wanted to zone out. And I wanted to hug my parents.
But at that moment, I felt so lucky that I was a teacher to students and other students who care so much about their teacher to go out of their way and help them like my student was doing for me. And when I had no one else to hug, he was there for me. I could just tell from the empathy and care on my student's face that he genuinely hurt with me too. This emotion from another person is so rare and I felt a little less alone because of my student. How awesome is my job that I am surrounded by people like this? I am so, so blessed.
Even when I felt like crawling into a hole, crying, listening to sappy music, I still have to teach and move on. Thank God for technology that allowed me to call my boyfriend right away in America who is so awesomely optimistic that all I can do is smile and laugh. Thank God for Skype and being able to see my parents' faces and talk with them. Thank God for free texting via Wi-fi so my best friends are just a send button away.
In my mind, I know there is still 10 months for my grandma to change her mind. There is still a chance that she will read my letter. There is some chance my birthmother senses I am looking for her. But even though I will send a letter and pray so earnestly that they might change their mind, my heart knows I need to let it go. I know my birthmother is alive. They know I am living well. It's enough. I can't hope for any other result. I can only hope that we live our separate lives happily.
For those of you who I didn't contact outside of this blog, I'm truly sorry. I love being able to openly talk about my adoption story but this whole situation really, really hurts. I honestly don't like talking about losing the chance to meet my birth family...but the more I can raise awareness about adoption issues, the more I hope the stigma of adoption decreases.
To adoptees, birth parents, family and friends of these people - even though this situation is so painful, I don't regret it at all. I know many adoptees are happy to never search. But if you were once a little girl or boy who had a dream to know what parent they look like or an adult who simply wants to thank the people who gave you birth, I encourage you to pursue your search. Even if the way you find closure is painful, it is still closure. I would have regretted forever if I was in Korea this whole year and never searched. Every tear I'm crying, every hurt I'm experiencing far, far outweighs the regret and remorse of living forever with the question, "What if?"
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