엄마 ...

I had a dream last night that my dad called me over to come home quickly because I had a packet in the mail that was from Korea about my adoption.  I got a big envelope of information.  Some were forms I already have from my adoption file and then there were new pages.  I saw pictures of my birth mother in my dream.  There were pages of new information about things surrounding my adoption. And there was definitely more things about my birth mother than my birth father.

I've never had a dream like this before.  I don't know if it's because I've been having talks with some of my friends about being adopted or that I am going to be in Korea in around 20 days.  It was scary...but absolutely the coolest thing to see a picture of my birthmother in my dream, even though I know that was her.  But you never know, dreams are crazy.  Is this a foreshadowing or perhaps a metaphor for something else?

So I'll answer the question some of you are probably wondering: Will I search for my birthparents when I'm in Korea? 

My best answer is that is not my biggest priority while I'm over there, nor a major factor in me going to Korea.  Getting TESOL experience, learning the language and culture, seeing friends....that is why I'm going.  Yes, I absolutely want to visit an orphanage while I'm there but I don't know if I can seek out my birthmother with a conscious heart.  It's not like America where having kids outside of being married is completely acceptable.  There's so much stigma and bad things that can happen.  I decided back in high school when I turned down my first Korea trip that I wanted protect my birthmother from ever feeling any pain because she did the same to me by giving me to my amazing family.  If I feel in my heart that it's okay to seek her out privately, I'll make small attempts.  But for now, I am content praying for her health and well-being and constantly thanking her for being the best mom she could be to me and giving me up for adoption.  I have a mom that loved and carried me for nine months and now I have the best family that I could ever ask for.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.

UW-L Korean Percussion Ensemble

the stage, pre-concert

  I went to Korea culture camp when I was about 9 or 10 years old.  I was homesick for most of it but I do remember them trying to teach me how to play the buk.  I had no idea what they were doing.  All I remember is the guy hitting the drum and saying "doooooong. dong dong. dong duh dong dong dong."  I think I was probably crying about being homesick when he explained everything so I remained confused.  I ended up going home early because yes, I was a big baby when I was a fourth grader, so I never figured out how to play the buk and what these mystery "dong's" were all about.  

Thank you Ryan for taking pics.  This one is absolutely beautiful.

Eight years later I went to my UW-L orientation and saw there was a Korean Percussion Ensemble but I didn't think anything of it until the end of my freshman year.  One day in tap class (I've made good use of my tuition money) I saw a girl with a Korean percussion t-shirt on and was curious.  Then probably a few weeks later, my friend had a facebook status about seeing the Korean percussion concert.  I asked her about it and she told me it was a class you could take at UW-L and it was open to any students.  I signed up for the next semester during my sophomore year and was super excited to re-learn the Korean drums.

Advanced Drumming Group

For some reason, I was expecting a bunch of Asians to be in the group but nope, I was the only one.   Not the point...my group was so fun and the teacher was awesome.  I struggled a lot learning the difference between "dong" and "koong" and playing drums in general.  I still knew this group was a place I belonged.  Even when I thought about transferring my junior to a school that had a TESOL major, knowing UW-L is the only university in the entire country with Korean Percussion offered in its regular curriculum became a big factor for me to stay in La Crosse and finish up my bachelor's.

Mid-laugh...I think this is when Susan dropped her stick?

Through KPE, I've had some amazing opportunities.  I've gotten to play in public schools, in multicultural events, and even in Knoxville, TN but  I can't describe how much it means to me, as an adoptee, to be a part of this group. For little kids, seeing our performance may just be something cool to watch and clap along to but it gets them thinking.  Korea is not the most commonly known country in WI.  When people can go, "Yeah!  I saw this really neat Korean Percussion Ensemble" it introduces them to a culture so near and dear to me.  As an adoptee, I never want to be one of those kids who doesn't care about where they came from.  Really, it's more than words can describe...sharing Korean culture with others is something I love to do.  So thank you KPE, for allowing me to do that.

Some of Wonder Generation at the KPE Concert!

But most importantly of all, I have made some wonderful friends through KPE.  You guys are awesome and thank you so much for a wonderful concert last night.  I had to shed a little tear at the end of Uhullim because of our solo-less, energetic concert and I was so happy to end my KPE career with the best performance in all three years.  I love you guys and I will miss you so much!

<3, caitlin

p.s. "dong dong koong ta koong. koong ta koong ta koong ta koong. koong ta koong. koong ta koong. koong ta koong ta koong ta koong."  This is forever stuck in my head...and I finally know what "dong" means now hahahaha ^ __ ^

UW-L Korean Percussion Ensemble, Spring 2011